Tommy Cooper Jokes!

Fill in the blanks for each question

1 Two Aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the _______________ was brilliant.

2 Girls are like pianos. When they’re not __________, they’re __________.

3. I bought some __________ sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

4. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They ________ one and let the other one __________.

5. A woman told her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back. ‘The doctor said, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said, ‘I want a ___________ opinion. ‘The doctor says, ‘OK. you’re ugly as well.’

6. A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’ The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been _____________’.

7. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three _______________ already.

8. A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, ‘Go over to the window and stick your tongue out.’ Man says, Why? The doctor says, ‘I don’t like my ____________________________’

9. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind’, so he gave me a _________________.

10. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, ____________ should be enough. Answers below.

Answers below:-

Answers 1. Reception, 2. Grand, Upright, 3. HP, 4. Charged, Off, 5. Second, 6. Ill, 7. Days, 8. Neighbours, 9. Kite, 10. Six

Jokes provided by our friend, John Cima. Dx

Loving Who U Are!

No matter what the question or the problem is, the answer is always Love.

Love is not just a sentimental emotion. It is an unfathomable power that, when truly acknowledged and understood, will transform our lives into expressions of love, abundance, health, happiness, abounding joy and spiritual enlightenment.

www.eraofpeace.org

The Chalk Guy is back!

fatherxmas

His work is magical.  Google him and see all the stuff that he has drawn on the pavement.  Happy Xmas from the Lighthouse.

Dx

Inner Peace at the Lighthouse!

It’s just what we all need … inner peace!

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice I heard, you too can find inner peace.Dr. Oz proclaimed: “The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.”

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now

Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

New Year 2010! A night to Remember!

Spend New Year with us and have a night to remember!

We also love there it is by Shalamar.

Magical Light!

The Magical Light

An 89-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally ? Are you at peace with God?”

George replies, “God and I are tight. He’s taking care of me. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, PING…. the light goes on. When I’m done, PING… the light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife, Ethel. “Hello Ethel,” the doctor begins. “George is doing fine. But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and PING…. the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, PING….. the light goes off ?”

“Oh Dear God !!” ‘Ethel exclaims. “He’s pissing in the fridge again !”

Accommodation for the Ryder Cup 2010

Please contact us if you would like to stay in a lighthouse for the Ryder Cup 2010. We are looking at 10/14 days and the lighthouse has 4 double rooms, all en-suite with a waterbed   and the rest 4-poster beds. You can see more on our website.  The cost is £25k for that period.  You will have access to the dining room, a sitting room  and kitchen if you would like to stay on a self catering basis. We are 10 mins drive from the check-in point at Tredegar House and 20 mins from the Celtic Manor.

www.westusklighthouse.co.uk

Euro £45m Lottery winner lives in Newport! Links with West Usk Lighthouse!

Jubilant Les Scadding yesterday revealed he was £68 in the red before landing Britain’s biggest lottery jackpot.

Jobless Les, 58, was speaking of his joy at winning £45,570,835.50 five years after being struck by testicular cancer.

And it was only through the TV and radio reports of the dad of three’s big day that two of his children found out about him winning the fortune.

Les said: “When I went to the cashpoint before going to Tesco to buy two lucky dip EuroMillions tickets I was £68 overdrawn. I went back to the store to check the ticket while buying some groceries on Saturday because we had no food in the house – we were starving.

“The machine made a funny noise and printed a slip saying contact the lottery office. I thought I’d won £50,000. I’d have been over the moon with that.” Les hit the jackpot after losing the numbers he usually used, buying two lucky dips instead. His other ticket won £5.80.

Yesterday he drank a champagne toast with second wife Samantha, 38, while still wearing a pair of scuffed black loafers with holes in the soles.

The couple intend to buy a holiday home in Barbados where they spent their honeymoon two years ago.

Sam has not decided whether to give up the marketing firm she runs but Les is going to replace his old Citroen C5 with a Range Rover Sport.

He said: “This Christmas is going to be fantastic. I’ve never owned a new vehicle in my life and the Range Rover is my dream car. I want it to be black with ivory interior.”

And he joked: “Nobody has asked me for any money yet – mind you I will turn my phone on at some stage.”

Mechanic and lorry driver Les lost his job last Christmas. He has been helping out as Sam’s driver while she runs her business from their terraced home in Caerleon, near Newport, Gwent.

Les, who has six grandchildren, discovered he had cancer just two years after meeting Sam. He said: “I’m lucky to be here today even without my winnings.

“But this is incredible. We can pay off debts, get rid of the mortgage and buy another home in Wales – but we won’t take it for granted. We’ve some lovely friends and family and don’t want them to turn their backs on us.

“I’ve been a kept man and now Sam is going to be a kept woman.”

Les predicted he would win the lottery one day. He explained: “I always said it is not if I win the lottery but when I win it. My daughter lives in Abu Dhabi and every time we speak she says: ‘Have you won the lottery yet, dad?’ “I rang her at the weekend and when I told her the whoop was just incredible.” www.mirrornews.co.uk

I know Samantha.  She has been to the lighthouse several times and we met through business networking.  We wish her all the best.

Newport is the place to buy your lottery tickets and specially in the Tesco store in Spytty which have had 2 large wins! Newport has seen more than eight large mega wins!!!

Coconut Oil- A saviour !

Bulletproof Your Immune System

Coconut oil contains lauric acid, a powerful immune system booster.

Lauric acid has antiviral, antifungal, antibacterial and antiprotozoal properties that help bullet proof your immune system against everything from free radicals, to a latent virus that’s waiting to wreak havoc.

It’s so powerful, in fact, that preliminary research suggests it’s effective against lipid-coated viruses, such as HIV.

A recent study took a group of 15 men with HIV. They had not received any prior treatment. After 3 months of supplementing with coconut oil, half of the patients showed a decrease in viral load.8

Good Health Can Taste Great

It’s pretty easy to get all the coconut oil you need in your diet.

Just follow any one of these simple tips:

Fry with it. Coconut oil has a high smoke point. That means that it won’t degrade at high temperatures – leaving all the fatty acids intact. It’s especially great for pan searing. If you do cook with it, consider getting it with no flavor. This is known as “expeller-pressed” coconut oil.

Take it to go. If you’ve got a very busy schedule, you can eat a snack with coconut oil already in it. My Primal Force Power Bars are great for this. Every bar is made with a healthy dose of coconut oil, and gives you plenty of protein to boot. It will give you the steady, long lasting energy you need.

Another great favorite of mine is to grab one banana. Dip it in plain yogurt. Then roll it in finely chopped coconut. Afterwards I put it in the freezer and eat it whenever I want a quick snack.

Make a smoothie. Scoop a healthy serving of coconut oil (it’ll probably be solid, but that’s okay) into the blender. Mix in your favorite fresh fruits. Maybe even add some protein powder. Add organic milk and a little ice. Blend it all and enjoy a tasty, heart-healthy smoothie.

Bake with it. It’s okay to have your favorite foods from time to time. And if you like to bake cookies, brownies, or anything else, go for it. Just substitute expeller pressed coconut oil for vegetable oil. Not only will everything taste better, but most of the fat you’ll be eating will get burned off right away.

More from www.alsearsmd.com

Ascension- Beware of Symptons

Ascension Symptoms- The move from 3rd dimension to 5th!

1. Friends you’ve known for a long time are appearing different to you. The things they are interested in and are excited about, or the things they talk about, are not as interesting as they used to be. In fact, sometimes you find yourself looking at them and wondering, “Do I know this person? They seem so different.” The fact is – they are not different. You are. You are beginning to shift your focus from the things and concerns that were very dominant in your life to areas and interests quite apart from the old ways.

2. You are spending more time alone, and enjoying it. This is a time of quiet introspection or just a time of doing nothing. You prefer an evening reading or simply sitting on the back porch, over just about anything else. Watering your flowers has found new satisfaction. You prefer the small and simple pleasures.

3. Because you are observing your friends and life quite differently now, you may also experience the feelings of sadness or loneliness. It is as if you know you are graduating from high school and going off to attend a college far away. The emotions you experience now are a bit confusing because they don’t seem based on reality. Your friends are still there, you are still employed, the town looks (to your physical eyes) just as it always did, yet there is something different, something “other worldly,” and you know you are no longer relating to it as you once did. Do you remember a time you gave notice at your job and knew you would be there an additional two weeks? You felt a separateness and sadness, yet excited and anticipatory. You knew you would soon move on.

4. Work isn’t exciting anymore. Work and career may be successful, but the passion is gone. You know another opportunity is drawing close. It is just within arm’s reach, but unseen. It may feel as though it will rock your world and, although this excites you, there is a slight edge of apprehension. And you know there is nothing you can DO about it anyway, until IT reveals itself.

5. Food doesn’t appeal to you as it used to. Perhaps you find yourself simply not eating until late in the day or eating less quantity. You may or may not lose weight as this happens. The type of food
that you are now attracted to is quite different than it used to be.

6. Your body feels unusual. Perhaps it is as though your body has changed sizes, although your clothes still fit. Perhaps you feel taller.

7. Your sexual appetite has changed. Usually subsided. This may or may not concern you, but when you really evaluate it, you enjoy this shift.

8. Your vision may be slightly different. Colors may be brighter. The greens of grass and leaves begin to appear brighter, more yellow and vibrant. You may also experience an eyeglass prescription
change.

9. Your sleep pattern changes. You may become unusually restless at night or have unusual dreams or want to sleep during the day. You may find yourself staying up late at night, or getting up very early. Or both. You may need less sleep.

Find out more from www.evolutionezine.com